Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…
What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Best…
A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?
Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.
Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn’t they go in? The sign said 18+.
What’s the definition of “Tender Love?” Two gays with hemorrhoids.
A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” The man replies, “Yes,…
What’s the difference between Jews and a pizza? It’s okay to burn a Jew!
What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.
My take home pay won’t even get me home.
How do you starve a black man? Put his food stamps in his work boots.
What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a “mile” between the s’s!
Cigarettes aren’t good for you, neither are women but I ain’t about to go gay.
What’s the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.
Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
If my puns are cheesy, then they would go well with crackers.
How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
My neighbor obviously doesn’t watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I’m still fixing her…
Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!
Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.
What kind of tan did pilgrims get to the beach? Puritan.
Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky,…
How did Superman’s enemies do him in? They put him in his crypt tonite!
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand…
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some the…
“Tired” isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore it’s more like a part of my personality at this point.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
Hurry! Stop standing around, hearing all you can see!
What do you get when you give away free meth at a redneck zoo? Iced animal crackers!
According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.
Password looks at itself in the mirror: “Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.
How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.
A warning shot into the head.
‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…
My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold…
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
I’d pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.
One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
They should build the wall with Hillary’s emails because nobody can get over them.