It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some the…
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
Your mama is so stupid, she thought you were smart.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Swallowing your babies is fatal.
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can’t tell you it was to cheesy.
Why did the snowman’s daughter become a stripper? Because he was so cold to her.
Top quark or bottom quark?
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
What does a disappointed mama turkey tell her kids? If your father were to see you now, he would be turning…
“Room service.” “Honeymoon salad.” “What’s that?” “Lettuce alone.”
I’m just looking for a nice high maintenance girl who uses the dogface on Snapchat, takes tons of selfies, and listens…
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother…
Most of the people dream of not working and having lots of money. During an economic crisis 50 % of those…
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!
What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck? A good days hunting.
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy, but he really saved the Histoy channel.
Do you know the difference between “fitting” and “proper”? It goes like this: I could shove my thumb up your butt…
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see…
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
What do you call a homo police dog? A Gay-9.
Mom, thanks for providing me with love that’s as never-ending as your voicemails.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
It’s good to learn from other’s mistakes, I wish people learn something from me.
I like the way your medication thinks.
Don’t spell part backwards. It’s a trap.
You’ll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can’t tell the difference between a smile and a warning.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. I just need a glass.
When checking out at the grocery store, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. I…
Best goal keepers are women ; they never let any ball enters
Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Dr.’s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it’s tweetable.
My mother + my father – condom = MOST AWESOME PERSON ALIVE!
If he hurts you, cry a river and then drown him in it.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s…
It doesn’t matter how much you work, there will always be an asshole that works less but gets more.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Because your backside is refreshing.
Where do sharks go on summer vacation? Finland!
He is known as a miracle comic. If he’s funny, it’s a miracle!
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
My son is an ungrateful little shit! I bought him a trampoline for Christmas, but he’d rather sit in his wheelchair…
I’m starting a new chapter of AA “Almost Alcoholics”, their motto is, “Lets get sober, next week”.
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I’d pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.
Wives are like grenades… Remove the ring and boom, a house is gone!
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.