Why did the octapus? Because the seaweed.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because… my version is better.
We can copy any document for you. We do not require the original.
What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex? Micro trans-action.
Where were you i have been waiting for half an hour. Said No Girl Ever.
Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don’t bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
There are 12 things, people do when they haven’t prepared a speech. They lie, tell stories and exaggerate.
Every day I spend a few hours on a running track. Next week I might even turn it on.
Before marriage, men would wander parking lots aimlessly because they had no one to point out the open spots.
I’m typically attracted to guys who look like I’ll need therapy after dating them.
Can’t throw the ball, kept on bouncing away: situation is out of hand.
Treat Two-faced people like mushrooms. Keep them in the dark and feed them shit.
You’ll never have a successful relationship with a woman if you can’t tell the difference between a smile and a warning.
Dont be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone.
Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Twitter is my ‘serious’ account. My Bank account is the ‘joke’ one.
How do you Circumcise a Cracker? Kick his 3-year old daughter in the jaw.
The Best way to get back on your feet is to miss a couple of car payments!
Men read Playboy for the articles, women go to malls for the music.
How about I slip down your chimney, at half past midnight?
Don’t judge women by kilos, and you won’t be judged by centimeters.
IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
The Italian boxing team boycotted the Olympics when they heard it was going to be one on one.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a…
If I wanted your opinion, I would give it to you.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
He always finds himself lost in thought; it’s unfamiliar territory.
Me: “How much for the baby dragon?” Pet store clerk: “Sir, that’s a lizard.” Me: *not listening* “When do they start…
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
You should need a license to be that ugly.
Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born.
You know why niggers are confused with monkeys? Because half of both are kept in cages.
Why do female skydivers wear jock straps? So they don’t whistle on the way down.
Why did the referees stop the leper hockey game? There was a face-off in the corner.
Do you want to see something stupid? Look in the mirror!
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
What did one autumn leaf say to another? I’m falling for you.
The best things in the world are free – and worth every penny of it.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when I do criticize him,…
The difference between “Girlfriend” and “Girl Friend” is that little space in between we call the “Friend Zone”.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Your mama is so stupid, she thought you were smart.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length. Must be some kind of milestone.
You are not as bad as people say, you are much, much worse.
If I tell you I’m thinking about you, don’t get too excited, because I’m also thinking about nachos.