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Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.

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Smoking is a slow death! But we’re not in a hurry…

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What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camembert. What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Best…

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A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn’t that handy?

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Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.

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What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences.

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Women were born to WOO MEN but why do they WOE MEN?

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There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.

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16 Blondes are standing outside the bar. Why didn’t they go in? The sign said 18+.

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What’s the definition of “Tender Love?” Two gays with hemorrhoids.

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A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.” The man replies, “Yes,…

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What’s the difference between Jews and a pizza? It’s okay to burn a Jew!

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What do you and your shower have in common? You both get wet when I turn you on.

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My take home pay won’t even get me home.

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How do you starve a black man? Put his food stamps in his work boots.

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What is the longest website domain name? smiles.com because there is a “mile” between the s’s!

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Cigarettes aren’t good for you, neither are women but I ain’t about to go gay.

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What’s the most dangerous part of a motorcycle? The nut that connects the seat to the handlebar.

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Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

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If my puns are cheesy, then they would go well with crackers.

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How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.

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My neighbor obviously doesn’t watch porn, she asked me to fix her sink 2 hours ago and I’m still fixing her…

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Where does a fish go to borrow money? The loan shark!

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Why do shepherds never learn to count? Because if they did they would always be falling asleep.

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What kind of tan did pilgrims get to the beach? Puritan.

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Several guys are sitting around having a drink and one guy says “My wife’s an angel” another guy says “Your lucky,…

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How did Superman’s enemies do him in? They put him in his crypt tonite!

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Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand…

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I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

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It is true that you may fool all of the people some of the time; you can even fool some the…

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“Tired” isn’t even a temporary state for me anymore it’s more like a part of my personality at this point.

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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

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I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.

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Hurry! Stop standing around, hearing all you can see!

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What do you get when you give away free meth at a redneck zoo? Iced animal crackers!

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According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

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Password looks at itself in the mirror: “Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”

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Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

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Oh, what? Sorry. I was trying to imagine you with a personality.

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How do you drown a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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I just let my mind wander, and it didn’t come back.

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A warning shot into the head.

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‘Who the hell allowed me to be born in this stupid head?’ a Thought said and killed herself…

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My first job was being a diesel fitter at a pantyhose factory. As they came off the line, I would hold…

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Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.

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I’d pat my own back but my ego is too busy shaking my hand.

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One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.

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They should build the wall with Hillary’s emails because nobody can get over them.

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