Does your train of thought have a caboose?
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he’s still making…
My dad used to say “Always fight fire with fire.” Probably explains why he was thrown out of the Fire Service.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a Gorgeousaurus
What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalog?
My friends say that I’m gay because I don’t like football. What a bunch of idiots. I’m gay because I like…
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4 years old raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful…
I would tell a swimming joke, but I think it’s too watered-down to be funny.
Coldplay is like depression you can hear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
There’s a reason it’s called “girls gone wild” and not “women gone wild”. When girls go wild, they show their tits….
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate…
When men say “I’m fine” they actually mean it. Weirdos.
The new french tank is pretty cool, it can go in 16 directions. 15 of which go backwards, 1 goes forwards…
I’m being managed by Don King again
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be…
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
She’s so ugly, she made a freight train take a dirt road!
What’s alike with bikes and black people? They only start working when you put the chains on them.
If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”
Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
A Roman fighter consumed his wife. He said he was glad ‘e ate ‘er…
He’s a few clowns short of a circus.
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter…
Why do Jehovah’s witnesses hate Halloween? They don’t like people knocking on their door!
Does time fly when you’re having sex or was it really just one minute?
Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not…
The light at the end of the tunnel – are the front lights of a train.
When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to…
Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
What are a blonde’s first words after graduating college? “Would you like fries with that?”
What do you call a turkey that’s got no feathers? Thanksgiving dinner.
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Other people don’t like my queue jumping. Especially when I use my motorcycle.
Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?
Teacher: “Name a bird with wings but can’t fly.” Student: “A dead bird, sir.”
I sometimes watch birds and wonder “If I could fly who would I shit on?”
If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
On St. Patrick’s Day I like to make believe I’m Irish. Just like at Christmas when I make believe I’m good.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he…
The only dates I get these days are software updates.
Someone says to his friend: “I bought a cat” And the other: “You have to be kitten me!”
She is so fat if you told her to haul ass it would take two trips.